Sunday, 27 July 2014
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
My mind has nursed this idea, noted it, observed it and weighed up the truth of it. People don’t challenge confidence, they accept it. If you get embarrassed by who you are, what you stand for or the things you believe in then others will fuel that embarrassment. But if you proudly and unabashedly tell and show people what your all about they will accept it because there is no reason for them not to, it is obvious you believe in it and are not going to be shaken from that so they have nothing to gain from challenging you. There is no weakness or doubt for them to unpick.
Humiliation takes two people for it to exist, the person doing the humiliation and for the person receiving it to accept that they have been humiliated. As soon as the person receiving decides that they are not being humiliated, it ceases to exist, that power over them dissolves. That is it in the extreme, most of the time we do not have humiliation inflicted on us but the concept remains the same for the small things that shape who we are. If we give people the power over us, then we live within the constraints of what a million different people expect and accept of us. And so, I worry that I look like death warmed up without make up on, that my eyes have such thin skin around them that underneath looks like 2 purple bruises. I worry that I’m about to say something and it might well be ignored by those I’m speaking to. I fleetingly worry that my figure doesn’t quite measure up. I worry that my terrible driving is making those behind me (who I will never know) one minute later. I worry that my new colleagues at work think I’m a dull addition to the office, yet to prove myself as a worthwhile first choice. I worry that believing in God makes people assume things about me. And so on. It doesn’t even matter what the content of these concerns or worries are the fact is they are connected to people beyond me and what they think. People who I have no control over so why consume so much of myself over what they think of me? So much concern over the external rather than focusing on the internal, that source of living which is within me.
Understanding this is becoming a beautiful revelation, a personal epiphany. I can’t really explain what it means or fully articulate how I think about it but in my mind some of the fog about what life is all about is beginning to thin. If I don’t care what people think of me, nor compare myself to them nor measure my worth in their eyes then there is a freedom to grasp. I’m at the beginning of understanding this and tentatively walking to the centre of this idea, now, to move beyond just understanding it but taking hold of it and living with my own parameters and measuring my worth by my own criteria.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Down tunneled streets, stretching dark matching never-ending thoughts, full stops of light. When I walk at night I feel the weather, I feel the press of it around me acutely, the wind whirling, sending my thoughts out into the swallowing blackness. There is mindfulness and mindlessness- an appreciation of what the world around me is and an easing of the wash of thoughts and feelings that have been tumbling into each other. My dog pulling me along, following the white of her tail and the pitter patter of her paws, a sense of just walking, going forwards- anywhere, into the night. There is nowhere in particular to go, walking for walking sake, for the simple joy of being able to move and be in the world.
The smell of woodsmoke bearing down a heavy scent into my nose, fibres of woody-earthiness, breathing through me and into my imagination of cosy rooms, pulled up cushions and flickering, soft, fire. Glancing into passing cubes of light; shining frames holding picture upon picture of homes. My eyes pass over, again and again, one lounge after another and with each sweep of vision, there's a small recognition and mental comfort in being a passing observer of the lives lived in a home. The glow of human comfort and contentment seeping into the blackness of the night outside.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
Some days I do think everything is possible and others I think nothing is and I wonder how can that be, how can the same person believe in everything whilst simultaneously believing in nothing.
I'm starting to believe that all the job applications I ever send are sent to the same mocking person who sees I've tried again and laughs at my poor attempts to portray who I am and what I am capable of via a piece of paper, where my life and all my past achievements and experiences have to be placed within carefully construed boxes that allow no expression of you are. It is an impasse and a burdening need to know which way now and finding its never going to be in the direction you thought.
I'm feeling that life is passing me by but is it really? If I can find enough in each day and discover some new thought and perspective that finds me sitting right in the belly of living, noticing I'm alive and the moments that make me feel that way then life is always present and not a passive thing. Present living, not passive living where the days hurl by you and you can't tell one from the other, I want each day to have something significant in it for me that marks it out as a unique as that specific day, a character unto itself .
There will never be another Wednesday 6th February 2013-never, I will never have as long left of this life as I have right now this second- never so all of it has to count for something. I need to use my seconds like water to a dying man, utterly valuable and entirely necessary.