Sunday, 23 January 2011

Check Out for the day....please?

Yes, I would like to 'Put it away and check out for the day' please, not because this day is particularly bad- I mean, it is the most glorious of the 7 days of the week....a Sunday, a day of rest, a day off work, a day that has the word 'sun' in it, so what could be bad about it?

It's not the day itself, nothing particularly horrendous or challenging or difficult has happened but ' I ' have happened. I have woken up with the most terrible, unexplained, unforeseen, inexplicable, STINKER of a mood . I have no conscious reason for such a mood, it has just appeared out of nowhere and landed on the most inconvenient of days and turned this bright, promise-filled Sunday into a grey and dismal affair, a day best to be forgotten.

Perhaps my subconscious knows what's really going on but as of yet it has not been so kind to inform my conscious which adds to my bad mood because said bad mood seems completely pointless and unfounded. Especially, as it has been such a long time since I was in the dreaded 'bad mood', I had been doing so well at blind optimism, bright and cheery persona was almost becoming a believable character trait in me- people had been starting to describe me as 'smiley' and 'positive', and then the bad mood to end all bad moods hit. Now I feel like I have undone all that hard work and reverted back to my moody ways. Incidently and completely going off tangent, there is definitely something going on in the dark, dpeths of my subconscious if my recent vivacious and coherent dreams are anything to go by after months of nothing but dreamless sleep.

So yes I would like to 'put away' my bad mood into a black box and check out of this day into another where I can smile and relax and enjoy the passing of time instead of resenting it for no good reason. Wouldn't it be lovely to just flitter back and forth from this day to that, visiting the good ones and avoiding the bad?

Anyway, after cringing at myself as I snapped with irritation at my poor mum's chit-chat and mannerisms for the 100th time today I decided I must do something to pull myself out of this bad mood before I dragged everyone around me into a similarly depressed black hole. The something I decided to do was a bracing run along the beach, surely this would be the way to dispel these negative feelings, 'Yes' I concluded that a run would be the thing to uplift me.... wrong, oh how wrong I was.

My mum kindly said she would drop me and my dog (Pooka) off at the beach, however, when dropping me off she parked on yellow lines so what followed was a rushed and harrowing exit from the car; clutched delicately in my hand I had a dog lead (attached to Pooka), poop bag, i-pod, extremely large headphones and mobile. So there I was clutching these many items with my mum stressing that i better get out quick as there were cars behind her waiting to get by and then I realised I needed to take my fleece off, which can only be likened to a sheep, else die of heat on my run. So with cars beeping impatiently behind I struggled to get my fleece off as quickly as possible complete with many items still in my hands and because I was rushing this of course took longer, stress levels hitting about 5 out of 10 by now.

With fleece now recklessly abandoned on the back seat, I opened the car door, out rushed dog at the speed of light with me attached holding the other end of the lead, immediately there was a deathly clattering noise as everything in my hands fell to the floor, phone in pieces. The putting together of which was greatly encumbered by my gloved hands which were too busy holding everything else hence, the sensible thing  of taking the gloves off was not an option. Meanwhile, my mum was shouting at me to shut the car door which had been forgotten in the exiting struggle and so was wide open stopping her from departing and ending the furious beeping of the cars trapped behind.

Within the next few steps as I fought to align large, inconvenient headphones on my head, Pooka decided to poop (and pooka doesn't just poo nicely and politely in one spot....no... she zig-zags from one spot to another all the while expelling the brown stuff) which caused further chaos as hands still full of items had to untie the plastic bag, pick up poo and hold the lead with pooka pulling strongly in the opposite direction whilst I too, bent over in a shuffling position, had to zig zag from one spot to another following her. Relieved and thinking this ordeal must nearly be over, I chucked the poop bag in the bin and strode purposefully down towards the beach and turned to my i-pod for musical inspiration when I realised the large, inconvenient headphones had a large clump of wire sticking out from them and out from my head, so now my state of looking like a complete idiot was confirmed.

Whilst this was all going on there was of course many people strolling past (laughing) paying witness to my embarrassing ordeal. 'Nevermind', I thought I'll soon be out on the beach away from them and their amused eyes but I was to provide more amusement for them.... for as I descended the steps down to the beach, I had failed to notice that the steps were covered in a thick, slimy green moss so of course I slipped and fell dramtically and unceremoniously with a loud wham onto my backside, soaking and covering my derierre in a fine green slime.

By now I was ready to punch somebody, anger was pulsating through my veins, hot devastated tears were brimming and I had had ENOUGH. I have never run off so quickly in my life, I wanted to be away from the prying eyes, away from the angry thoughts pressing down on me so I ran and I ran and I ran away from it all, I felt no tiredness only angry adrenalin pushing me on, I just kept running and slowly I felt the anger subside a little and the world seemed to be correcting itself a little and I felt my bad mood slipping away a little.

Then a truly needed thought arrived sedately in my head, perhaps if you had been in a good mood today all of that ordeal would never had happened perhaps it has just been proved to you all day that negativity attracts negative things to happen to you and positivity attracts good things to happen to you. After all, in recent days I have strived to be positive and in all those days good things have happened, I have enjoyed them and then the one day I wake up negative and can't change that I have had a horrible day which I have hated from start to end. Being in a 'bad mood' does nothing good, only makes the world seem a hostile place and rubs off on everyone around you and starts a downward spiral. So looking at the positive of today I have learnt something that I needed to learn, positive thinking really does attract good things to you, negative only repels everything and everyone.

Back to the events of today, I did not fully feel in a good mood again until I got home, crawled under the cocoon of my duvet, lay in the dark on my own and listened to this song very loudly....


 Elliott Smith, 'The Enemy is You'
You got your head turned around 
Walking upside down
Through the sunken dream
Through the crushing crowd
You don't know what it means 
Because you're a broken machine
You won't lisp it out
You're dressing up your man
It's all second hand
It's all hindsight
You don't understand
It's just an empty scene
It's still an empty scheme
You want to block it out
But I know what I'm going to do 
With this big doubt
I'm going to make it go away
When you go walking out in 
The rose city
Without a fucking clue
With an attitude
Knowing what you need
What you will not do
The enemy is you
You beat up on yourself 
Because there ain't no one else
Who feels quite as good 
To put straight through hell
You know yourself well
You know what you're about
Just want to block it out
Well, I know what I'm going to do 
With this big doubt
I'm going to hide my face away
Block it out
Well, I know what I'm going to do 
With this big doubt
I'm going to make it go away



Listening to this song I realised, that really, most of the time my greatest enemy is myself I already know I am my own biggest critic and that I beat myself up for acting and thinking in certain ways, my greatest enemy is me especially when I let a pointless bad mood ruin a day. I realised that the bad mood could partly be because of a 'big doubt' I have about a decision that is going to be made tomorrow. A decision that is beyond my control now and a decision that could change which way my life goes, which could set me down one path as opposed to another. I didn't think I was too worried about it, I thought that I was prepared to graciously accept either answer as what is meant to be and pursue either way whole-heartedly but it seems I am worried but I now know whatever happens tomorrow I must be positive about it and make 'the big doubt' about myself, that rears it's ugly head every now and then, go away once and for all.

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