Monday, 28 February 2011

Future me becomes Present me

A year again a friend informed me that I could talk to myself in the future from the past in a weird technological, time capsule type of way. This was through 'FutureMe' which you can find here . In a nutshell it allows you to write an e-mail to yourself from now in the present moment to yourself at any point in the future, you write what you think would be beneficial to hear in said amount of time, put the date you want to receive this e-mail, then forget about it and receive it in the future when you least expect it.

So yesterday I received my e-mail from a year ago. The strange thing is I had been thinking vaguely about futureme before I received it and in my head had come to the conclusion that I had set it to send me an e-mail in a few years not now so I was a little surprised to see the instruction of 'Read me' in the subject title but not entirely shocked. I read over it, a little excited to know what pearls of wisdom my past self had sent to inspire the me of the moment. It was not eloquent or poetic, the language was simple,cheesy, badly spelt and to the point. It stated what had been happening in my life and painted a picture of where I wanted to be. It was sent on a monumental day for me in the sense that (little did I know at the time) that it marked the start of a period of misery, for the next 4 months I would be lonelier than I had ever been, returning to an empty house each night when all i needed was somebody and a hug, hours away from anyone who truly cared. Weekends stretched filled with nothing but work. The work I was doing I hated,I found it tedious, when I woke in the morning I could not eat as I would immediatley be sick with nerves for the day ahead, I was forever on edge and angry with the world, I was doing nothing I loved (because there was no time) and was nowhere near anybody that I loved.

Reading this e-mail from the moment before all this happened, made me think long and hard of what the last year has been- from the pits, reflecting on why it was the pits, what I have learnt from being in the pits and how my life compares a life on. Now, I can smile about it, smile because I got through it when I could have just quit easily but didn't, I learnt that I could cope on my own and know that within the rest of my life there may have to be another time when I am on my own again. I smile because everything is so so much better now, I am surrounded by a family that I love, being at home is a simple joy, I am still in a job that is not entirely right for me but it is a hundred times better than the dreadgery of the previous one and in a small way I am helping people and words I say now may help other in un-recognisable ways in the future. I have a life again in the sense that I am doing some of the things that I love and make me-me. It is not perfect, but I am content. I wish for this and that and want to tweak this area and that but when I think of what I have now compared to what I have then there is really nothing that I can complain about. I'm accepting now and ready to give my cares to God rather than carrying them all myself and being knocked down by them.

I have a lot to look forward to, from October this year I will be doing, finally something that I love and want to do and excited about what it will lead to. I know one day soon me and James will be together again come what may. So for now I am enjoying this time of contentment, a time to rebuild and become strong and happy again, a time of still and peaceful enjoyment-readying myself for what may lie ahead.

In a way this blog is like a futureme, it is a record of past thoughts and ideas, hopes for the future. I am certain that I will look over all that I have written and it will remind me where I have been as a person and how far I have come. I have declared to myself that this futureme is going to be a thing I do as sporadic reminders of how I used to think. Already in response to the e-mail I received yesterday (which you can read below) I have written an e-mail about now for myself in five years time on my 27th birthday. Maybe when I'm old and grey I will print them all out and view them as a record of how I developed.
The following is an e-mail from the past, sent through
It was composed on Friday, February 26, 2010, to be sent on Saturday, February 26, 2011: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear FutureMe, 

Well I am sure this is very strange when you read this in the future a year on from the day I write this. Well....what is happening at the moment in your life I'm sure you want to know, in the middle of pgce, in second placement at Aylsham, starting teaching again next week.....scary stuff, lessons on industrial revolution and appeasement, will I ever feel comfortabe and unscared of teaching....ony the future can tell?

Perhaps I'm on a cusp of change at the moment it feels like there is the potential for lots to change. James has been living with me in Norwich but leaves tommorrow to go back to kent so that will be very different, we will suddenly be in a long distance relationship. I am sure we will be fine, but still going to miss him lots and worry and its going to be lonesome in norwich.....very isolated here, miles from anyone that really cares deeply for me but COME ON this is going to be a good challenge for me and will mature me and make me more independednt. Still can't beleive I'm a proper adult doing adult thigns most of the time. Yeah so we shall see how things go with James, hopefully well, I'm sure they will. I wonder what he will be doing this time in a year, I hope hes got something sorted and got a job and doing something he likes and I'm not too far from him.

Main concerns at the moment are getting through pgce and being aone in norwich, becoming a good teacher and getting a job next year (where will I be....hmmmm intersting!), nowhere or no one seems to want me at the moment, wating to hear from 7 places and still more applications to do :( I'm mainlyhappy I guess jsut gonna keep busy and positvie, from this moment let me see what being positive can do to make my life better.....who knows what the year ahead has for me, anything can happen, I just need to remember to be happy, not worry, be positive, care for others and keep my faith in God whatever happens.

Got my Curriculum assignment back today and fortunately passed so that was a relief.

So future self, where are you now and what are you doing, I hope you are happy and rembering to be positive, remember whatever your worried/concerned about now you probably will have forgotten about in the year. So this is a message from the past, keep going, be you, you ahve amazing strenghts and qualities, remember them and draw on them, you can get through anything if you need to.

Love your past self----weird..... go and listen to a random song now, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Started but not finished, finished but not started.

FINE, I'll dance with you, whilst we dream, whilst we sleep
Because that's all you can now. For me keep
Memories and thoughts slowly move and careen
And wile away the once sparkling sheen

Yes, this is where I should always be
So high an eye will never see
Below me the gleaming gold of the stone
Etched against the sky like raggard bone

The blue material whipped and then sighed in the
Breeze breathing-
A yellow lion falling to its' ancient knees
Scorning at his frustrated static
I laughed ecstatic as I rose...

The world stretched and seared before me
Yielding blue and green-shining, dancing, waiting

Saturday, 12 February 2011

I wish we still spoke like this....where words were inherently beautiful.

"Be not afraid; the isle is full of noises. 
Sounds and sweet airs, they give delight and hurt not. 
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments 
Will hum about mine ears, and sometimes voices 
That, if I then had waked after long sleep, 
Will make me sleep again: and then, in dreaming 
The clouds methought would open and show riches 
Ready to drop upon me that, when I waked, 
I cried to dream again." 

— Caliban "The Tempest" Act 3 Scene 2

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Never Hurt Me.....Really?!

Good Bye January you will not be missed you miserable month.

I am so glad the gloom of the week before is beginning to lift off me in dribs and drabs, it started with the unexplainable bad mood last sunday and this sadly set the tone for the rest of the week. It was just one of those weeks where nothing goes right, plans seem set to fail and people annoy you for just being them. So, yesssss the cloud of woeful woe is lifting and I am feeling much better and ready for things to come. This has been greatly helped by my fate from next September being decided and I can't wait, but more about this at a later date.

A few weeks ago I was returning 'up north' from London, it was late Sunday night, I had to be up at half six in the morning for work so all I wanted was to get home and go to bed. Hence when I got to Preston Train station I inwardly cursed the departure screen when it dared to print the dreaded numbers 00:10 for the next train home.....yes an hour wait in perhaps the coldest train station in the world is just what I want  when I've already been travelling for hours and want nothing more than my bed.

'The world is completely against me' I dramatically concluded with that internal voice that never shuts ups and is ready and waiting for its timely comments. With regret, I hauled my case down the urine- scented ramp and shuffled along the deserted wind-tunnel of a platform. Grim-faced I set up camp on a metal bench probably created for the purpose of giving its occupants 'piles', put my headphones on my head and attempted to block out the world for an hour.

Ohh no this was not meant to be, you see it seems that drunkern idiots are the one force of sound to be reckoned with that the flashy headphones designed to block all other sound out could not conquer. Through my soothing music, their grunted football chants reached my ear drums, their drunkern slurs infiltrated my thoughts....and they were advancing closer. Head down,....make no eye-contact, press myself closer into the, look at me coat-what was I thinking? WHAT WAS I THINKING? But....thank goodness the police arrived and took said drunkern revellers away.  So anyway, the whole point of regaling this late night lingering at the train station is to  make the point I had a very glum look on my face, remember that.

A week or two later, a work collegue said to me 'you didn't happen to be at Preston train station late the other Sunday did you'
'Yes, I was there, I'd just got back from London and had to wait an hour for the next train home.'
'Oh really, I'd been on the train from London as well, had been visiting my sister I thought it was you but I really didn't know as it was from a bit of a distance, I recognised the orange coat but you had such a frown on your face I didn't think it could be you because your always so smiley'.

So what did I think when I heard such a thing about me....firstly just goes to show you never know who is nearby observing you, even at midnight in a cold northern train station. Secondly.....'smiley' I mean really, smiley, has a such a word ever been used to describe Me the girl who is more likely to have an unintended look of disdain on her face, an abstract glint of misery directed at the state of the world in her eye. But in an earth-shattering moment somebody had described me as 'smiley' and had found it unusual that I was not smiling, they had gone as far to dismiss the person along the platform as me because she was not smiling. This one small, seemingly insignificant throw-away comment made my insides break out into the biggest, most glorious, joy filled smile.

You see, somebody, somebody that doesn't even know me that well, somebody who would be regarded as more acquaintance than friend, who I had known but a short while had noticed a change in me that I had slowly been working on for years really but had only come into effect in the past few months. Naturally, I am a pessimistic person who worries about everything but I have been trying so hard to stop worrying, be positive and just be happy or pretend to be happy because really its all a mindset isn't it?! So this comment made in passing conversation had a massive impact on me because it confirmed what I had been trying to do, it confirmed that I was making small steps towards achieving my personal aim that I have been working on for so long. I realise now, a good friend or family member who knows you inside out is less likely to notice these subtle changes because they haven an entrenched perception of you which is hard to shake-off especially when you seem to be doing the opposite of what they expect of you. We all fall into acting in the certain roles that people expect us to be because we have always been like that so sometimes it takes somebody more remote from us to notice when we are changing for the better.

What has all this got to do with the children's rhyme 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'? To point out that it is horrendous in every way. Firstly, is putting the image of using sticks and stones to break somebodies bones the kind of image we should be relating to children?! Most importantly should we undersell the power of words to young ones, because in my experience words can hurt a great deal and heal and bring joy and a smile to another in a way that nothing else can? Everyday, we all have conversations with various different people and say things without thinking or knowing of the impact they have on somebody but as shown in the example above a passing comment can resound, repeat and play for a long time after in the mind of that person you had a seemingly meaningless conversation with.

Tomorrow the great Health-regime many times have we heard that one before.....more on this tomorrow.