Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Today gleamed.

The sky all day was a luminous egg-shell blue and it just shone, the sun gleamed. The sunset was the most golden, look at me, cannot be ignored sunset I have ever seen. Nature was showing off well and truly today and the recgonistion of this was all I needed to put a smile on my face.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011


'I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness the astonishing light of your own being.'
Hafiz

Monday, 26 September 2011

That black time of night.



There is a time when my ability to think rationally dissolves into the blackness. Where my facility to make sense of this world folds upon itself into a flat, oblique, nothingness.

Oh it happens every so often, it comes along unexpectedly and sends me reeling for a while thereafter. Always, always it occurs in that still, quiet moment of the day as I reach across myself, stretch and press off the light of my bedside lamp. It clicks, and then.... silence.... knowing silence, the world, my world stops for the day.

And what am I left with? My thoughts,                  alone and bare,               revealed completely.

A taunting pardox that the darkness shines light on my innermost musings. It allows them to creep out from the nooks and stones in my mind. Black shadows of remembered images become merged black clouds of doubt cast upon the here and now.

Fears for the future flicker unharnessed across the dark-quilted quiet around me. The certainty and confidence, that I had carried so assuredly in the easy light of day, becomes fragmented, shards of piercing clarity of why I'm inadequate for whatever lofty goals I had dared to imagine as possible, but hours before.

It's funny how time moves you on from one way of perceiving, from sweet hope to bitter despair. Hope lost, hope in these moments vacates me and finds somebody else to brighten and illuminate. I loose hope in myself and what I can do. I doubt my capabilities and the capabilities of this life to make things right, for all to be well in the end.

These are not nice moments. These self-depreciating times used to be persistent, they would haunt me most nights, BUT you know, now they are fleeting and weaker. They don't bring tears anymore but determination to shake them off and move on. The gaps between these episodes are expanding until they are becoming more and more remote. Just dots on my horizon. That is progress, real measurable progress and I'm so grateful for it. I. am. getting. some.where.

Now, I fight these thoughts. I escape away from them into the words and imaginary thoughts of somebody else. Before, I would have enjoyed dwelling on them, I would've purposefully allowed them to start, to just -  'feel'.  Now, I have my remedy, I take up my earphones and slip into another world, created by somebody whose thoughts weighed heavy too, to a story about somebody elses' life and worry about what is happening to them instead of me. It works. oh the written word, how you work.



(Image from http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=dream+darkness&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1024&bih=499&tbm=isch&tbnid=WAnRvotSEvsRHM:&imgrefurl=http://magdakrawczynska.deviantart.com/art/Darkness-dream-153243130&docid=VWjSgCUsbv7NOM&w=900&h=880&ei=fPSATu6lN4Pdsgag8rmdDg&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=298&page=6&tbnh=127&tbnw=142&start=51&ndsp=12&ved=1t:429,r:8,s:51&tx=54&ty=68)

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Life should reflect art



Today I looked into the life of Oscar Wilde because I could and because the internet lets you wonder and find out about anything and one thing leads to another. Apparently he was into 'aestheticism'. This was a movement in art that basically said that beauty was the sole purpose of art, that beauty was all it needed.

It denied that art is created for any political, social or moral reasons. In fact art had no purpose except to be and show beauty. Art was beauties home and vice-versa, In this way life should reflect art as opposed to the other more usually conceived perception that art should reflect and imitate real life.

This led to a life philosophy of enjoyment, life is to be enjoyed and full of pleasures and good things. Rationality was frowned upon and 'intuition' heralded as the crucial human sentiment, science seen as utterly inadequate when compared to the potential and possibilities of human 'intuition'. The ephemeral intuition, the start of all creativity, the connection to the spiritual, YES I agree 'intuition' is where it is at and where things should start.

Oh the romance of it all, 'Art is beauty' and all life should do is reflect art and therefore be beautiful. If only life was this simple. To live at a time when this was strongly believed in by small intellectual circles, to move and converse in such circles. I know, I know such things exist today but it doesn't seem as quixotic, dreamy or idealistic some how.

I love the idea behind 'aestheticism' and I love that knowledge is so readily available to me and surely that is both the curse and blessing of this modern age. But I have got such a thirst to know more at the moment, it can't be quenched. I want to know all there is to know about art, music, literature, words, history, ideas, human beings and life. I could spend the rest of my days just finding out more, understanding more, becoming more.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Motivated to do.

From nowhere, it has struck and hit me. Landed on me and made itself known to me. The will to go on and just work and do everything that needs to be done.

Motivation.

The power of will.

I welcome it with open arms because there is so much to do at the moment. Maybe that's why, I have no choice but to just do. I know, a large part of it is where this year will take me if I make it succeed and that helps, there is a real point to it all. To end the distance and be able to move south with James. To finally be doing a bit of what I love and to see where it leads. Whether I can actually make a potential future out of the here and now. I am finally moving a small tentative step in the direction I want to be after going backwards for a while.

Maybe the secret is not to stop, i fear stopping because it'll be much harder starting again.

But,

for now I am so grateful to have this relentless motivation, long may it last into October and beyond when I will really need it. I am battening down the hatches for a whirlwind year. A year, in which my own time to relax will be non-existent but weirdly, I am looking forward to working hard and being utterly absorbed in that and putting my all into it.  I realise 2 months down the line I will be complaining I have no spare time but for now I'm optimistic.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

I've just seen this and I might do it from tomorrow if time allows.

30 day photo challenge

Life is Beautiful.




Life is beautiful or it's ugly. Yet its so easy to notice the ugliness, to focus on and voice the ugly. To notice it and pass it on. To cause more ripples of bad-feeling. Now... to instantly recognise the beautiful to actively seek it and see it everywhere, that takes a different kind of person. To witness suffering and not being overwhelmed by it because you realise without suffering there is no compassion that there is beauty in suffering because of that. To absorb the beauty of this life we live, to know it in depth, to experience it's shades of emotion and yet still love life because of it's beauty is something else entirely.

I'm trying to.