Saturday, 29 October 2011

A mish mash.

Some fleeting thoughts from today that were grabbed and etched on to a page. Fleeting and grabbing, all I really have time for at the moment.

Sometimes what a shame this world has people. But then there would be no one to appreciate it's beauty and then what would be the point in it's beauty?

I want to spend forever outside on days like today.

I wonder, does wildlife know its a glorious day and rejoice and languish in it and throw back their heads and feel the sunshine and knowingly receive the warmth and freshness on their backs or is it just another day?

On days like today the inside is nothing more than a trap keeping the best of this world away.

Lord make sense of what I'm doing because too much of it doesn't.

Why can't it at the most basic level just be for the enjoyment of learning why does it have to mean so much more?

From reading a bit of 7th century Life of Symeon, 'Truly no onw knows a person's deeds without knowing the person's spirit'.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

A ten past midnight thought

I'll never get time in this life to follow all the ends and leads that I want to.

So instead I frantically note them down just in case one of them leads somewhere.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Let me be not do.

I've had my respite of 4 days then, 4 days away from my jobs and uni. Yes, I've slept and languished in my lie ins but I can't escape the ever present sense of all that needs to be done, things of necessity and things I purely want to do, to accomplish something other than the mundane necessary things that need to be done. Things that fulfill and add colour to the black and white and give worth to these passing moments.

I'm feeling hemmed in by all the 'to do' lists and agendas I set myself. I'm constantly noting niggles down of what needs doing and god forbid if I don't note it down and forget about it- that thought on its own stresses me and I can't relax. I think of something and then literally a second later I have completely forgotten what it was, surely a sign of too many things flying across my mind?

Being organised is taking me too far, everything has to be planned, why? I need to let go.

This is a time of change when lots of things are starting and my mind is absorbed with arranging the logistics of fitting everything in, my job at the sixth form college, job at the castle, starting my postgraduate study at university, playing hockey, seeing James, friends, writing and al the extras. They are all pieces that need to fit and mesh and somehow become one smooth, coherent picture that I live, a picture only I can create through advanced planning and organisation, oh but that's to loose the freedom of just living.

I need to focus on the main things instead of aiming for everything.

I want a day, one solitary day to be filled with nothing and empty of obligations. A day to just be instead of a day to do. An empty day for things to occur spontaneously, a day where I do not once reach for my diary or planner or to do list and just focus on living the here and now instead of the tomorrow and future. A day where each moment unfolds link by link, a whimsical, fanciful day of freedom and frolicking (see photos above for such moments that I mean). A day of small steps into each moment instead of frantic, giant, estimated leaps into the future.

I can't remember the last time I was bored though....perhaps as you get older the less chance you get to be bored until it never happens?

Thursday, 6 October 2011

The wind and my thoughts are very similar.

I love chasing the weather, feeling it whip and snap, feeling the darkness of the sky leaning on you, urging you to quicken your step. The wind whirling and whipping at your skin, rushing through trees shaking the leaves, making them sound like hundreds of angry librarians 'shushing' at once.

Weather that makes you notice nature, real weather that heaves and sighs like the earth is breathing and exhaling it's woes. I can feel the rain heavy in the air about to fall and I'm alive and rushing trying to beat it. I walk faster and fumble for my key, then the door is open and I'm in.

And all of a sudden the noise stops, all is still again, my skin bites from the waves of freshness that have just washed against it. Every inch of me is wide awake and ready because this is what it is to be alive isn't it, feeling things with every inch of yourself, connecting to this world with your physical body, knowing this world with your mind and feeling it with your soul? I can hear the wind roaring and rumbling around the house, the rain begins to throw itself against the window, but the sound is muffled by the walls that now surround me.

The wildness of that walk followed by the stillness of home, is not lost on me. It makes me want to jump with joy, exclaim and dance for this earth of ours and this life of mine. The abundance of energy that is there for the taking, to be seized and transformed into something of my making.

The whirling weather today perfectly reflecting my whirling thoughts. One idea thrown around after another.

That somebody I know, just a few years older than me has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, how can that be?

How can our human minds make sense of or comprehend such a thing? To be told you don't have long to live, that there is a limit to your days here at my kind of age, when, at my kind of age, I feel like my life is just beginning, that I am just sorting out who I am and starting to edge in a direction, choosing my path and stumbling along it. I can't imagine being told, well you'll never know whether your stumbling turned into long, powerful strides because your path is being clipped short in the stumbling, finding your feet stage.

It is playing on my mind. But there has to be good out of terrible things else the human race would never cope and would have given up a long time ago. So I'm searching for the good and the good is the people it has brought together again and the effect it is having on people's lives in reminding them to enjoy what you have got right now, to see every day as a whole life lived. To not wish for things in the future at the cost of ignoring the vast opportunities and wealth of potential we have in each moment we live in the present.

I started my postgraduate masters course in History yesterday and I enjoyed and savoured every moment of it. Finally, after 2 years of trying and working, saving and struggling in jobs that were not me I have arrived at the point it was all for and doesn't that make this point so much more worthwhile than if it had just been handed to me with no effort or meaning 2 years ago?

The hard way is hard along the way but so much more worthwhile at the end of it. Everything I have got it is going into it this year, 2 years of hard and frustrating work means that I know now, the result of all that must get my 'all'. I am in such a better place to do well now than 2 years ago. Now, I know the true value of 'hard' work, how to motivate myself and just how much it means to me. Things I would have been too naive to know before.

This is a written reminder to myself, this whole post that life is a wonderous, far-fetched, all consuming thing, that events work out the way they do for reasons that will one day become known.

'What matters is not whether we preserve our lives at any cost, but how we preserve them. I sometimes think that every new situation, good or bad, can enrich us with new insights. But if we abandon the hard facts that we are forced to face, if we give them no shelter in our heads or hearts, do not allow them to settle and change into impulses through which we can grow and from which we can draw meaning-then we are not a viable generation.' (Etty Hillesum)

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Thoughts for a Sunday Night before another week.

Is this Sunday the end of the last week or the beginning of the next? Are these thoughts the sum collation of a week already lived or in anticipation of a week yet to come?

This moment right now is your happiest, because you know and feel it better than any other, it is immediate and 'here' surrounding you in time. Because you are alive for one more moment on this earth and that moment is tangible to you and only you. This moment holds everything you need it to hold for now and so by it's existence it is perfect.

Should I let this anger go, is that the good and right thing to do? Does anger help anyone or does it burn and cut, usually yourself more than the one it is directed against? Sometimes though you need anger don't you, -to get riled up, to give you the blind faith that you are right, allowing you to voice your opinion that you otherwise would've kept hidden away. So take the anger made by last week's happenings and channel it into something useful to face the week ahead, sleep on it and turn it into strength, a slow-burning strength.