Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Life seen and Imagined- 'story one'.

To explain what the below is- I carry round with me a small, black moleskin notebook and have started to really notice people, passer-bys, a few seconds glance at the odd stranger who seems interesting for whatever reason and I've noted down some of these people, just some scribbled sentences describing them. From there, I've imagined them as if they were characters in a story and thought about what kind of person they could be and placed them into a fictional context, writing just the start of their story.

The lady below is created from me waiting for a train on Saturday 12th November 2011. In my notebook, I have put..

'Rushed air,
You can feel the collective human energy throbbing in the air, bated and ready for something.
The thunderous trains vibrate beneath my feet.
Everybody here has a purpose, intent, a will to get somewhere and that creates a certain kind of atmosphere.

-Lady character, pleated white silk dress just below the knees, respectable and classy, pale luminous skin, bobbed wavy hair, glittering green diamond pattern on top of dress. Straight ahead selecting a drink in the shop as I sip my hot chocolate and wait for the train to arrive at platform one. Gone from sight then there is a bit of a commotion on one of the platforms, the lady is running with a guy in a suit, laughing and shrieking as they jump onto the train just as the doors shut. In the curved porthole of the train door window they are gathered in a group with another couple, their own world of four, talking and giggling amongst the hushed tones of the packed train, the prospect of a fun night ahead making them glow, marking them out from the grey tones of the carriage.'


I watched the white silk plunge and then nestle itself against my translucent skin, blending material and flesh into one pale hue. I loved the feel of this dress, it's delicacy creating a fragile web of stitches and thread that covered and melted into me like a shadow. It was almost there but not quite, whimsical and romantic, it demanded to be looked at a second time so that it could be appreciated and admired as it was created to be. Oh the lines of similarity between me and this dress, I was this dress and this dress was me.

Recently a friend had gushed that I was a modern day 'Daisy Buchanan', graceful, charming, sought after but I knew the hidden reason for her comparison was that most people thought I was shallow and careless, absorbed in myself, hemmed in by my own self-centered perception of the world. I recognised this but didn't know it enough to want to change. I can only be me.

I glanced the ghostly image of my face in the cold refracted light of the store's refrigerator
 pane and admired the sharp cut of my cheekbones and the blood red of my made up lips. I had worn the same shade of deep rouge on my lips  since I was fifteen and now they were permanently stained, the natural colouring lost forever beneath the waxy veneer of years of pretending to be something, anything other than my real self.

My hand reached and grasped the cool glass of a bottle of mineral water,
"Hurry up Flick, the train will be here in a minute"
" I know, I know I just need to pay"

Ahead of me was a queue of two, the lady being served was fumbling in her purse for the right change, getting more flustered she dropped some coins on the floor. She seemed nervous but she was going to make me miss the train, I quietly cursed her under my breath and willed her to get a move on.


Thursday, 10 November 2011

Sea and sky.

I want to spend a day just looking out to sea and looking up at the sky to recollect myself.

Stare at the line where the two meet and find something meaningful in the meeting of those 2 vast things that vault me in and contain me.

To see shapes in the clouds instead of wondering if they're going to rain.

Recenter and realign all the thoughts, ideas and doubts into conviction and belief.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Humble Pie.

I'm feeling inadequate, unsure, unanchored.

what do you do when the thing you've always had reserved as your thing, that thing that you will do one day and then you do it and your idea of it as your saving grace crumbles? You realise that you are inadequate and those lofty images of yourself crack because you are no more than average and your capabilites false. Surely, everyone secretly thinks they are more than average and place elevated importance in their own existence else we'd give up wouldn't we?

 And I'm left thinking what next? More haphazard bouncing from one thing to the next until I've dipped my toe and tipped my hat to a bit of everything and I'm alright at everything but great at nothing. Resolve  to be satisfied with a life of being great at nothing. For me that makes it hard to see meaning in anything. Is this sheer arrogance or do we all envisage greatness for ourselves, hope that one day we will make it and with it gain meaning to why we are here.

 What am I supposed to do when the anchor that my life was to float from  has been wrenched and i'm afloat with no direction and no where to head towards now or next? I reached that point and hovered over and in it and built myself around it until I became that point, to find the point I had rested so much of myself on is being erased and with it my sense of who I am disappears.

It was alright that I was ok at everything else because there was the chance and glow of possibility that I was and would prove to be great at this. It was to champion my life and mould it in the right direction.

 So I'm left with no confidence and lost belief and faith in my own opinion. The assurance and sanctity of my own opinion has gone. What an awful realisation or a humbling one depending how you look at it.

It should be enough, my life should be great just because it allows me enjoy and immerse myself in the genius of other people's art, music, writing and thoughts. That's a beautiful thing that the world allows that at least.