Saturday, 5 November 2011

Humble Pie.

I'm feeling inadequate, unsure, unanchored.

what do you do when the thing you've always had reserved as your thing, that thing that you will do one day and then you do it and your idea of it as your saving grace crumbles? You realise that you are inadequate and those lofty images of yourself crack because you are no more than average and your capabilites false. Surely, everyone secretly thinks they are more than average and place elevated importance in their own existence else we'd give up wouldn't we?

 And I'm left thinking what next? More haphazard bouncing from one thing to the next until I've dipped my toe and tipped my hat to a bit of everything and I'm alright at everything but great at nothing. Resolve  to be satisfied with a life of being great at nothing. For me that makes it hard to see meaning in anything. Is this sheer arrogance or do we all envisage greatness for ourselves, hope that one day we will make it and with it gain meaning to why we are here.

 What am I supposed to do when the anchor that my life was to float from  has been wrenched and i'm afloat with no direction and no where to head towards now or next? I reached that point and hovered over and in it and built myself around it until I became that point, to find the point I had rested so much of myself on is being erased and with it my sense of who I am disappears.

It was alright that I was ok at everything else because there was the chance and glow of possibility that I was and would prove to be great at this. It was to champion my life and mould it in the right direction.

 So I'm left with no confidence and lost belief and faith in my own opinion. The assurance and sanctity of my own opinion has gone. What an awful realisation or a humbling one depending how you look at it.

It should be enough, my life should be great just because it allows me enjoy and immerse myself in the genius of other people's art, music, writing and thoughts. That's a beautiful thing that the world allows that at least.


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