Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Fitting in ( and some pictures from lately)

My new place of work and the start of a new way of life.

Drink with a blanket

Storm brewing in Norway

The beginnings of an adventure

 Beautiful Gdansk

Portobello road...

Watching a marathon

 Deserted street

On the bridge gdansk

London nights and moon


Which way to go? Who to be?

We all care what people think of us. We all spend time construing what other people’s perception of us might be, wondering whether we are enough. Enough to be regarded as somebody worth knowing or lacking? Lacking; charisma, sparkle, presence, conviction.  It has been a thorn in my thoughts over the past couple of months, picking away at me until I’m questioning my own perception of myself. Am I really that awkward at small talk? That inept at showing the real me to people I don’t know very well? That forgettable? So, unassuming? Really…do I really need to do everything to accommodate everyone else….to fit into how I think they think I should be?


My mind has nursed this idea, noted it, observed it and weighed up the truth of it. People don’t challenge confidence, they accept it. If you get embarrassed by who you are, what you stand for or the things you believe in then others will fuel that embarrassment. But if you proudly and unabashedly tell and show people what your all about they will accept it because there is no reason for them not to, it is obvious you believe in it and are not going to be shaken from that so they have nothing to gain from challenging you. There is no weakness or doubt for them to unpick.


Humiliation takes two people for it to exist, the person doing the humiliation and for the person receiving it to accept that they have been humiliated. As soon as the person receiving decides that they are not being humiliated, it ceases to exist, that power over them dissolves. That is it in the extreme, most of the time we do not have humiliation inflicted on us but the concept remains the same for the small things that shape who we are.  If we give people the power over us, then we live within the constraints of what a million different people expect and accept of us. And so, I worry that I look like death warmed up without make up on, that my eyes have such thin skin around them that underneath looks like 2 purple bruises. I worry that I’m about to say something and it might well be ignored by those I’m speaking to. I fleetingly worry that my figure doesn’t quite measure up. I worry that my terrible driving is making those behind me (who I will never know) one minute later. I worry that my new colleagues at work think I’m a dull addition to the office, yet to prove myself as a worthwhile first choice. I worry that believing in God makes people assume things about me. And so on. It doesn’t even matter what the content of these concerns or worries are the fact is they are connected to people beyond me and what they think. People who I have no control over so why consume so much of myself over what they think of me? So much concern over the external rather than focusing on the internal, that source of living which is within me.


Understanding this is becoming a beautiful revelation, a personal epiphany. I can’t really explain what it means or fully articulate how I think about it but in my mind some of the fog about what life is all about is beginning to thin. If I don’t care what people think of me, nor compare myself to them nor measure my worth in their eyes then there is a freedom to grasp. I’m at the beginning of understanding this and tentatively walking to the centre of this idea, now, to move beyond just understanding it but taking hold of it and living with my own parameters and measuring my worth by my own criteria.